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20121101
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the lindsay graham joke. it was a pretty good one. ( laughter ). perhaps the best news was in florida. after months of republican governor rick scott attempting to suppress democratic voter turnout, and attempting to decrease voter discomfort and my favorite introducing a 10-page novelette state ballot to people who couldn't handle a ( bleep ) one-page ballot. florida remains too close to call. what is the good news, you say? the election was decide without them. ( applause ) ( cheers ) for once, florida's cluster ( bleep ) is irrelevant. it's like hearing good news, america. the tumor on your dong is benign. ( laughter ). it's a joke about... come on. we're tired! for the most part, the news naeks acquitted themselves nicely with little of the early called controversy and malfunctions of years past, except b.m.n., bull ( bleep ) mountain news, who were caught flat foot bide a historic storm did spite all the evidence just days before, they never saw coming. >> i think mitt romney is going to win the election. >> it just is a momentum. >> i think that mitt romney will win. >> we're going to
. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is okay, but florida is tonight a guy i gigantic bubble. that's two close to call and ohio too close to call. we're obviously looking at cuba where cubans go to live and jews go to die. we'll be providing real time analysis. >> i'm loaded with media analysis capabilities. live monitoring results and opinion as they happen to a live stream of instan instantaneous l time micro blogging. >> stephen: for the lablogging. >> jon: that is just the appetizer, jon and let me demonstrate. this is a sweet right here. this is an actual real time tweet. it says i personally voted for mitt romney. so it's that single tweet is any indication, jon, get used to saying president romney because he's going to win tonight in a landslide. >> jon: that's fascinating. >> that just happened jon moments ago and i'm explaining it to you now in real time. this is only a start. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, ther
you how much an ounce is, it is enough to send you a jail for up to five years in florida. >> sounds like florida could use a reefer ren dumb of their own. since they can't vote with a felony conviction on the record. whatever that means. munchies, cotton mouth. >> jon: it's not funny, anchors are making a joke about pot, it's kind of cute how they used to smoke pot but now they don't. even though nearly half of american teenager smoked pot but only certain get arrested and have their lives ruined. disproportional leith hurts people of color. simple possession people in colorado. >> yeah, but you have read those incarceration stats on weed? >> jon: it nice, look, we spent $8 billion a year locking people up for marijuana. >> very true, in fact i met two victims of these draconian laws. >> jon: good. >> nonviolent offenders brutally arrested for tocquing just the tiny bit of labrador which i'm guessing is some sort of narcotic. >> jon: there is no way will you cover this story seriously, is there. >> look this is how we do tv news, jon. you want a well researched report on climate cha
like ohio, in places like florida where he just couldn't afford to. and i think it's a triumph of an actual campaign against pure cynicism and lies. and i think that is a huge victory for the american people, i really do. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: please come again. >> will do. >> stephen: and please tell your liberal friends i will see them in hell. andrew sullivan.kuvouno.;ááááj/ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ( crowd cheering ) you know, in addition to the presidential race, tonight the leadership of congress could change hands. or in the case of senate minority leader mitch mcconnell, amphibious flippers. they only need to pick up four seats and they'll seize control. with that in mind, let's take a look at some of the key races. the colbert report can now conform former governor angus king has won, making the first senate seat ever held by a burger king menu item. ( laughter ) and folks, this is true. this king is an independent. you can say good-bye to bipartisan gridlock and say hello to tri-part
, for example, in 2008, where should we could a ballot cast for lizard people and the florida recount in 2000, that's a case where the election was for all intents and purposes a tie. we could have recounted those ballots 20 times over and maybe should have a do-over instead of a recount. >> jon: right. as somebody who is very knowledgeable about how to compile these types of figures, is there somebody like you within these campaigns >> this is kind of the reverse of ""moneyball"" is the story of how outsiders changed the baseball industry, and it's kind of the reverse where the campaigns kind of do get it and especially the obama campaign but also look karl rove whatever you think of him was a very driven guy. jon yawn want know what i think of him? there's that free trade, whatever you think of him, and i'm like, let me tell you. >> but the media is the one who covers the campaigns in a silly way a lot of the time where a lot of the time, look, nothing happens over the course of a day. now we're in the pennant race, so it matters, but the average day in april, nothing of importance happens,
if obama won and then fired people while they were still counting florida. who would have thought? (laughter) a prophecy fulfilled by the professor seer. like a weather man forecasting scattered showers and then running up on the roof and peeing on people. (laughter) "you're lucky i didn't call for hail!" (laughter) >> well, they left me no choice. we're going to see reduced economic activity in america. we're going to see reduced electric power consumption. we're going to see drastically reduced coal markets. >> jon: a greedy black-hearted man who owns a coal mine. well, now i've seen everything. (laughter) but it's not just those who provide compressed lumps of dead animals to fuel your home who are affected. (laughter) it's also those who provide compressed lumps of dead animals to fuel your body. >> our next guest says he might have to move some of his employees from full time to part time if president barack obama gets reelected. joining us now is zane tankel, he runs i think 42 applebee's franchises. >> jon: i'm going to stop you right there. zane tankel? (laughter) that's w
debate in boca raton, florida, which is spanish for "rat's mouth." (laughter) and yiddish for "heaven's waiting room." (laughter and applause) this is the third and-- thank god-- final debate between barack obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being us
of mine in florida said they were just the right length to wait out one of those drawbridges. so i really appreciate that. every author looks for that sort of compliment. >> jon: absolutely, here is what else it does. it boldly predicts an election, look, can we get a shot of the cover. okay, obama is smiling, romney is not smiling. biden is incredibly smiling, paul ryan has just been neutered. so let me ask you this: (applause) was there alternate artwork for this if the election had gone the other way? >> absolutely not. i am an older nate silver. >> jon: don't, you barely, i thought, you could be brothers. i've just crossed the aarp threshold. >> you will get more mail than i used to get. >> jon: i do. i got the card but it doesn't say that i get-- i done think i get off at movies yet or buses. i think it's just the card. >> it is just the card, jon. >> jon: when does the other stuff kick in. >> i woon know this but i've been told that at 65, at 65 you can get what subway, what i call a decemberer pass. >> jon: and you get to go. >> it's not free but it's half price. and so right now c
name sounds like tampon, from tampa, florida, this is the republican national convention, the road to jeb bush 2016. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you so much for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any kind of lap in the tampa-st. pete area, you are set upon by those who seek to dance upon said lap. (cheers and applause) >> jon: do you know-- do you know how hard it is to get money down in tampa that doe
Search Results 0 to 28 of about 29 (some duplicates have been removed)